Day 70

Style: Teacher Training
Teachers: Mark Laham, Louise Sattler, Todd Lavictoire
Studio: Greco

I’m in my car on the highway under the stars, distancing myself from Ottawa as Montreal rises in the eastern horizon. Sipping mint tea, I find my consciousness drifting into reflection as I make my way through the last eight hours in reverse order. The day ended with an open discussion on the sūtras of Patañjali. Different students had different translations of the sūtras with commentary from various perspectives. The author of my copy comes from the Buddhist tradition. There were also translations from a Christian perspective, another author from a Hindu point of view, and so on. As the discussion progressed, we drew comparisons from the different schools of thought. We seemed to gain an even deeper clarity on the ancient writings. By the end of our conversations I felt a growing satisfaction along with a humble realization. When a plethora of uniquely different minds come at any given subject from a variety of angles, the potential for a much greater, more encompassing understanding manifests itself. The more one closes off new perspectives, the more one misses the point altogether.

Our group discussion had begun with a sparkling energy after a long, drawn out day, largely due to the yoga practice that preceded it. The posture-refining sequence was focused solely on balancing poses. We practiced leg balancing, arm balancing, and a host of other grueling asanas. My saving grace throughout was my Drishti, my focused attention or gaze. When the eyes remain locked on a precise target unflinchingly, the mind gains a calm stillness and new-found balance takes over the physical body. Again, today I felt my progress taking leaps and bounds, continuing its fascinating evolution.

Immediately before the posture work was a long, intriguing discussion led by Todd. He presented concepts that were brand new to me, and I felt the information absorbing itself into my psyche. He touched on Freud’s pleasure principal, Viktor Frankl’s will to meaning, Nietzsche’s will to power, and Frawley’s insights on prana. We returned briefly to the Doshas; Pitta, Kapha and Vata. Finally we explored the five Vayus; Apana, Samana, Prana, Udana and Vyana. Before lunch, Todd led us through the first asana sequence of the day, returning to more back-bending, mirroring the work of the previous day. By the end I felt like I was standing taller than I ever have, with a greater range of motion than I’ve ever experienced, and I felt waves of grateful appreciation wash over me, thanking the Universe for the health I’ve been bestowed with.

With my eyes locked on the hypnotic highway as I continue to drive under the moonlight, my mind has time-traveled hour-by-hour through the day, arriving back where it all began. The morning started with Mark handing us papers to fill out. As I received mine, my gaze drifted across the pages. The title read Intention – Attention – Action, followed by the instruction to “think about something I’ve wanted to achieve for a while, possibly a long-term dream or intention.” At first I stared blinkingly, at a loss for words. The initial writers-block held my hand frozen in mid-air, but as my pen hit the paper it seemed to take on a life of its own, scribbling itself nearly illegibly across the pages. I’ve had various long-term dreams and intentions over the course of my life, most having vanished, unfulfilled. There is one that has been around for longer than the rest, one that has remained with me to this day. Its utter simplicity makes it surprisingly difficult to put into words. I want to live a substantial, sustainable, natural and healthy life in perpetual balance with nature and the environment. I want to organize my priorities, living for what matters, for friends, family, happiness. I want to make a difference, to have a significant and meaningful impact on the world. I want to be a revolutionary, a visionary, to awaken my consciousness and help others to wake up.

The next step on the page was to determine a “good story”, i.e. an excuse that I’ve allowed myself to believe for not achieving this intention, to find the limiting belief I’ve clung to. Again my pen automatically and furiously hits the page in a blur. I’ve told myself that society is ignorant, fast-asleep and uninterested in waking up. We’re satisfied and we don’t want to change. People have already made up their minds, locked them and thrown away the keys. People in positions of supreme power manipulate the world and lie to our faces, patiently implementing a never-ending array of population-control brainwashing techniques. We’re too far gone and the damage is irreversible. I pause to take in a breath, then dive back in, allowing myself to get more personal. I don’t have the strength inside me to make a significant difference. My voice will never be heard. I’m utterly powerless and I will never amount to anything. Wow. All this, and I’m only getting started.

The questions continue and I try to keep up with them. Where did this belief come from? How has it limited my life in the past? How will this belief limit me five to ten years into my future? What will I lose as a result? Maybe it came from so-called “evidence” in the world around me, our history, our constant ignorance and inability to love each other, from my parents and my perception of their own inabilities and limitations, from the bloodstained conscience of Mankind. In effect, maybe I’ve been frozen, lacking the ability to leap, locked in place by outside opinion. This belief has kept me following orders, standing obediently in line, compliantly living for others. Perhaps I’ve listened to outside authority at every angle, ignoring my own inner guidance. I’ve been influenced to keep my mouth shut and nod in agreement, and all of this has been self-imposed. Five or ten years down the road I’ll be stuck doing what I’m told, wasting away for a paycheque. Never living authentically, I’ll be a carbon-copy of the “acceptable” human being. I’ll lose my inspiration, my lust for life, my passion, my originality, my own unique nature. In short, I’ll lose my soul. I will fake my way through everything, ending up a mind-controlled liar, a dry, depressed shell of a man. In the end I’ll be a broken conformist like everyone else, and then I’ll die. Again, wow. Where is this coming from?

Next I’m asked why I must absolutely change this belief now. That’s simple. I need to change this belief so I can live a life worth living. Because I care. I want to live every day at my maximum potential. Finally, the last question. How. How can I change this limiting belief? We’re asked to write an all-encompassing statement, an anchor, an over-riding mantra to instill and solidify deep within our consciousness. Great. Now how the hell am I supposed to do that? Nothing is coming to mind. My pen has come to a screeching halt, abandoning me at the very end. I close my eyes, draw in a deep breath and hold it, then feel my hand scribble down one last short sentence. I let out my exhale and slowly open my eyes. I stare back at the words on the page.
I am an ascended master.
What..? What is that supposed to mean? I feel my brow get furrowed as I look back at the paper. Is that egotistical? Tyrannical? Is it madness? Insanity? Am I just another lost kid with a Messiah-complex? I shut my binder and try to forget it happened, and soon after I disappear into the rest of the day’s activities.

Now, reflecting back on it, alone on the highway in the solitary, silent confines of my car, it starts to make more sense to me. I don’t know if it’s a message from my higher self, or just from me in the here and now. Regardless, I’m starting to understand. Maybe I already am everything I’m striving to become. Maybe I can live authentically under any circumstance. I’m already there and now I choose to live it. The Universe will cater to me, unfolding around me with precision and positive energy. I’m untouchable, powerful and infinite. I reside beyond all time and space. I Am.


Post a Comment